Why we rarely finish what we start
Ever notice how many of us start things but don’t follow through on them?
We join the gym but never go.
...then, something terrible happens. The high begins to wear off and we realize we must do something to stop the slide. But what?
We buy a book but don’t read it.
We outline a book but never write it.
We sign up for a class but don’t attend it.
We start to renovate our home but don’t finish it.
You get the idea.
Why do we do this? Here’s my guess…
The “first step” in almost every process provides a psychological high that is literally addictive.
Most of us can’t get ourselves to take action until we’re utterly miserable. We can think about taking action. We can know we should take action. We can even want to take action. But until we’re miserable, we won’t.
But the moment our misery becomes too much for us, we’ll do anything to relive it.
We join a gym. We buy a book. We buy some sandpaper and paint. Whatever. And, as a result, we suddenly feel fantastic!
Why?
Because that first step lifts us out of total misery and gives us hope. It literally takes us from darkness to light. And that trip - between the two extremes of misery and hope - is a rush.
We want to continue working toward our goal, but we also want to retain the high the first step gave us. What are we to do?
We find ourselves wondering why it took us so long to act in the first place. And then we pat ourselves on the back. We tell our friends what we’ve done. And we suggest they make the same change in their lives. Come on in. The water feels great!
But then, something terrible happens. The high begins to wear off and we realize we must do something to stop the slide. But what?
We ponder the prospect of taking the second step toward our goal but are met with the sobering realization that it will never provide the psychological payoff that the first step did.
At best, the second step will inch us a little further toward our goal. At worst, it will inch us a little closer back toward misery since it reminds us how much work we still have to do. You mean there’s more to it than just the first step?
Now we have a problem.
We want to continue working toward our goal, but we also want to retain the high the first step gave us. What are we to do?
It depends.
If we really want to meet our goals, we suck it up and work toward them. But if we’re just junkies looking for our next psychological high, we turn our attention toward something else we’ve been miserable about and take the first step toward solving that problem.
We’re all junkies in this regard. It’s hard for us to admit this because we know that doing so would make us miserable.
Instead of going for our first workout at the gym, we go to the home improvement store and buy some paint. Instead of breaking out the paintbrush, we go to the store to buy a book. Instead of reading the book we just bought, we go to another gym and sign up for a membership.
And after a few decades of this we find ourselves on our deathbeds wondering why we never accomplished anything worthwhile.
Of course, we can always turn away from our lack of accomplishment and think about all the “great times” (i.e. highs) we experienced along the way. But that’s just another way of turning away from the real problem and doing another line off the mirror.
We’re all junkies in this regard. It’s hard for us to admit this because we know that doing so would make us miserable. But the good news is, the first step toward ending that misery is just as easy as taking the first step. Any first step. Go ahead. Try it and see for yourself.
Don’t ask me what the second step is, though. I haven’t gotten that far. You see, I’m as addicted to this high as everyone else.
I routinely start things and fail to finish them.
I buy books but I don’t read them.
I sign up for the gym but don’t go.
I start writing blog posts but don’t
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2008 at 10:19 AM
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(13) Reader Comments about Why we rarely finish what we start
Jane says...
Hi Blair,
I did finish what I started but it never got to where it was going, which was to your blog.
I wrote a long post to you and Ellen but perhaps it was as well it didn`t get posted because it was rather long, disappointed though that it got wiped out. Anyway, `hail to you fellow travellers`.
Jane
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 11:20 AM
Jason says...
Huh. You know, I’ve never thought of it this way but it sounds plausible. An addiction to the first step. So in order to change this, do we get addicted to the last step? Or each step in between?
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 11:22 AM
Bill says...
Hi Blair,
Let me know when you find a solution.
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 01:38 PM
John says...
Blair,
I was just about to post on my blog about this very thing, but instead I think I’ll just link to yours, save mine for tomorrow and and take the day off.
Thanks
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 01:59 PM
Jurgen Wolff says...
Yes, the two most exciting steps are the first and (if you get there) the last. One way to get past the first step is to link the subsequent steps strongly in your mind with the excitement of the outcome that you want. (But that hasn’t stopped me from being a bookaholic...)
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 02:14 PM
Jan says...
“...Most of us can’t get ourselves to take action until we’re utterly miserable...”
Is that really so? Is it really MOST of us? Or just SOME of us? Or maybe HALF of us, the other half being a little more pro-active...? Going TOWARDS things, as opposed to getting AWAY from things?
Whatever the preferred strategy, if it’s to avoid something, anything, it usually catches up with you. I should know. Still guilty of ‘addictions’ to avoid stuff.
But when the hunger is genuine, and the food wholesome and tasty, you don’t stop after the thrill of the first two bites!
Jan
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 02:19 PM
ellen says...
Buddhists call this ‘monkey mind’
My reach always exceeds my grasp, my desires always exceed the time and energy available to attain them.
I’ve found this ‘monkey mind’ quite a good way to distinguish between the stuff that I’d like to do in a perfect world and what really needs to be done.
The stuff that really needs to done (which is different for everybody, and different for me at different times) is insistent, does not go away, it just keeps popping up until it is done with and then it recedes.
Why else would I sit tapping at a keyboard in the middle of the night explaining myself to a battered pirate I’ve never met on the other side of the world?
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 02:29 PM
John Thomas says...
Blair,
This is something I’ve battled my whole life.
I read something about this last night. (Coincidence? I think not!) It basically said this:
I started actually working toward reaching my goals when I took them out of the high of dream-land and made them part of my plain every day reality (in terms of the activities I do). In other words, when we stop looking at the emotional high and start just thinking of everyday, mundane steps to take and just do them like we do everything else we do (every task at work, the dishes or taking out the trash at home, etc.), then we’ll actually get something done.
But not until we detach the necessary activity from the addictive high of the end result, and we just do the mundane stuff.
Maybe this is what the LOA folks mean when they talk about detachment. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
- John
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 02:46 PM
Blair Warren says...
Jan says…
“...Most of us can’t get ourselves to take action until we’re utterly miserable...”
Is that really so?
Maybe not, but it sure feels so.
Isn’t that the same thing?
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 03:40 PM
Jan says...
I was especially referring to the ‘Most of us’-part. That may be projection. At least it feels so
The statement itself, I must admit, feels true about me
Posted on 03/17/2008 at 03:49 PM
Richard says...
Check out: Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s Addiction on Forbes.com. Great viewpoint on addictions.
Posted on 03/18/2008 at 12:34 AM
W Chase says...
I think this phenomenon must be related to the placebo effect.
This started hitting my wallet hard in bookstores so I decided to make a rule to never purchase a book the same day that I first see it. If it is still ‘calling me’ I give myself the option of going back to check it out. Recently I forgot this rule and I have a couple of books with only the first chapter read kicking around.
So now I need a ‘new’ rule so I remember the ‘old’ rule.
But do I really need it, or do I just need to make do without that ‘high’.
I think the question is - how can we start to remember the lows (not to mention wasted time and money) that follow the highs of novelty?
Murphy’s law come to mind on this hangover day after St patty’s.
Posted on 03/18/2008 at 09:09 AM
Roger Davis says...
Try this solution - look at ANY of the problems you have solved and work out HOW you got past the first part. Then test applying those solutions to future problems.
My examples -
1) the ‘other person high’ factor. Is there someone else in your life that posesses two things? - a) they WILL punish you if you don’t move past the first stage b) they have the ability to give you a ‘high’ of their own which they will deliver if you get past the first stage or will withdraw it if you don’t?
Often, a spouse is the person and sex is the reward
2) Discover whether you can start enjoying doing the task. So for fitness, it has been possible for me (with the variety of activities and venues available) to tailor a fitness program at gyms and at home and elsewhere that has become a habitual part of my life.
And through varying the activities at different stages I actually enjoy it more than I dread it. It’s a pleasure to go through the pain and work to stay fit and get slowly fitter.
The same can be applied to reading, decorating or whatever it is that you don’t finish but would like to. You just have to try enough things (the first step) AND look for the pleasure that works for you as an individual.
Example - decorating - one person might thrive on showing off their work. Another might find that ‘decorating time’ is a great way to practice their singing/thinking/listening to music. Another might find that by tackling more ‘out there’ decorating jobs, they revel in nurturing their artistic ability.
In summary - find the pleasure, find the ‘hidden highs’ within the tedium.
3) Can it be outsourced? Obviously fitness can’t be outsourced. But decoration can. Don’t beat your head against a brick wall (unless you find benefit from it). Learn to understand when it will not be beneficial to try and develop a habit of doing something that will NEVER provide a reward (high.)
Get your high from paying someone else to do it while you earn the money from your day-job (that of course gives you a high.)
There are always solutions. Being determined to find them is the first step. I get my daily highs when I go and do those things (work out at the gym) and I also never fail to remind myself that I have conquered something that the majority haven’t.
Take the ‘first step’ for granted and spend your life trying to be the person that goes past that stage. You’ll be as high as a kite.
Posted on 03/19/2008 at 03:34 AM
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