The Illusion
Successful people get what they want more often than the rest of us.
What could be more obvious than that?
After all, we could say that, in many respects, that’s the definition of success: the ability to get what we want.
If we don’t get what we want, we’ve failed. If we do get what we want, we’ve succeeded. And the people who get what they want most often are the most successful.
End of story.
So we take this idea and use it to compare ourselves to “successful people.” And it’s no secret what happens. We come away feeling frustrated and discouraged.
Just look at them out there “getting what they want” at almost every turn while we sit here struggling to make it and mounting up failure after failure.
And we ask ourselves, “What am I doing wrong that is causing me to fail?”
Who hasn’t found themselves asking this question at one time or another?
While there are many ways to answer this question, none are likely to be very helpful.
Why?
Because the question is based on a false premise. It’s based on a fantasy. An illusion.
The truth is, successful people don’t get what they want more often than the rest of us. In fact, they often get what they want less often. Yes, less often. Why? Because they’re willing to try many more things, which means failing at more things.
Study the lives of Walt Disney, Steve Jobs, Gene Simmons, and countless other successful people and the pattern becomes clear.
Of course, this is very hard to see when we listen to their stories. Their stories, whether told by themselves or by others, make things seem so tight, clean and linear. They set their mind to something and, by god, they do it.
It sounds romantic. It sounds inspiring. But it doesn’t sound anything like our lives.
But the problem isn’t our lives. The problem is we’re comparing our lives to stories.
Life can be random, frustrating, confusing and unsatisfying. A story can’t be any of these things or else it wouldn’t be a story.
Sound obvious? Of course. The problem is, when we’re stuck comparing ourselves to “successful people” and wondering what we’re doing wrong, it is anything but obvious.
Successful people aren’t that much different than the rest of us. Their lives are filled with the same types of frustrations and failures as ours are. And yet, somehow they still come out on top.
How? Here’s my take:
First, successful people know the difference between stories and real life so they don’t waste precious time comparing their messy lives to perfect stories. They recognize the illusion as an illusion.
Second, they realize that there’s profit to be had from every failure. Every failure leaves them with more wisdom and more experience that can then be used as an asset on which to build their next success. From this perspective, every failure leaves them richer.
Again, this may sound obvious, but too often it’s not.
Remember the situation we started with: the “obvious” notion that successful people get what they want more often than the rest of us.
And then remember the question it led us to ask: “What am I doing wrong that is causing me to fail?”
There is only one reason we end up here; we end up here because we’ve gotten caught up in an illusion.
The better question to ask is, “How can I profit from my failures?”
When we can answer that, we stop being failures. And that’s when others start telling stories about us.
Posted on Saturday, October 25, 2008 at 10:48 AM
Tags: successShare Blair:
(18) Reader Comments about The Illusion
John Thomas says...
I see this problem rampant among musicians who want to “go pro.” Very often, they live their lives going along the illusion of record and get the image and the demo perfect and a record label will come along, swoop them up, and make their lives into a Cinderella story.
Maybe it was that way at one time. Maybe not.
Regardless, the reality of the situation is that many (most) of the biggest acts with careers (as opposed to one or two hits and disappearing) built their followings by touring incessantly, by going to the fans directly, by not waiting on a record company to find them and make them successful.
Look at The Greatful Dead and their spin-offs, Dave Matthews Band, Rush, and even smaller artists like Bob Mould and Richard Thompson.
They are taking it to the people, not believing the story, and creating their own lives.
Great post, Blair.
- John
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 11:01 AM
Sean Marler says...
Excellent post.
You’ve delivered a message I needed to hear - now. Just the other day I was banging my head against the wall in frustration as I went though that exact thought scenario.
Thanks for the reminder.
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 11:04 AM
Justin Boland says...
Thank you for this. It was apparently exactly what I needed to read cuz I’ve been struggling with this precise loop for months at least. This was a very artful way of undoing it, and I appreciate it.
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 11:18 AM
Sekoja says...
“We’re comparing our lives to stories.”
You did it again. Putting the spotlight on something that so easily escapes our often cluttered awareness.
And reframing our possible ‘failures’ beforehand reminds me of that other book...what’s it called...you know....that ‘complex’ thing…
Thanks for sharing!
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 11:18 AM
Al says...
Blair, once again, your insights are simple and yet brilliant. Like one of the other posters (Justin), I too have fallen into this trap. And your timing is impeccable; I just happen to be reading Gene Simmons’ book Sex Money Kiss. Your take on his life is dead on. Simmons has done so many projects (most of which failed) it is amazing.
Successful people try more things because they aren’t afraid of failure. They aren’t afraid to lose face, to be embarrassed or to be humiliated. Or at least they don’t let the fear stop them.
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 12:00 PM
Ben Mack says...
Blair, how do you write genius essays like this and then you are so mistaken about the politic with which you disagree with me?
This essay is an instant classic. You are gifted and you have worked hard at developing your gifts and for that my life is more full. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with so many. Your friend, Ben.
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 12:15 PM
Ron Hudson Influence Persuasion NLP says...
Blair, as a friend of my from England would say, “This post is spot on!”
Years ago, I discovered this quote by Michael Jordan: “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
That quote has continually served as an inspiration to me during the times I’ve been disappointed with my results in business. Admittedly, I have experienced more disappointments than successes but I refuse to quit.
In closing, everyone reading your post might enjoy this poem:
When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill.
When funds are low and the debts are high.
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.Don’t give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.With your success in mind,
RonPosted on 10/25/2008 at 12:44 PM
Blair Warren says...
Thanks for the nice words everyone.
You have no idea how close I came to tossing this article in the trash. I thought it was too simplistic. And believe me, I know simplistic.
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 12:47 PM
Carl Lafresnaye says...
I believe
If you want to increase your success rate
Double your failure ratePosted on 10/25/2008 at 02:30 PM
Jim Zaccaria says...
So glad you didn’t trash this and that I saw a post on Twitter about it Thanks for the great insights - Keep sharing YOU make a Difference - Allow Your Light to Shine, it’s Bright!
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 03:21 PM
Tom says...
Great post Blair. Your “simple explanation” is probably the one key factor to having more successes in your life.
Remember Babe Ruth… he also held the strike-out record, but that’s not the “HisStory” that gets told the most.
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 05:27 PM
wendy says...
And as they say if you dont kick the ball you cant score a goal. :D
Posted on 10/25/2008 at 06:07 PM
Kevin Moriarty says...
awareness>action>analysis
Real success is quick success, the lack of quick success(traction, the first sale, etc.) indicates poor execution or a completely wrong direction.
Posted on 10/26/2008 at 03:24 PM
Bryan Bliss says...
this reminds me of a few quotes I have heard
fail fast and fail often and success cannot elude you. i heard carrie the barefoot exec say that in one of her inspiring speeches.
I also remember Wayne Gretzgy NHL superhero saying that “ I miss 100% of the shots I dont take”.
and Tony robbins reminded me long ago that the power to succeed is in the questions we ask ourselves. if we ask and dwell on “why did i fail” we’re only seeking more info about failing. rather the questions should be “ What can I do to solve this problem?” or “ what are the most successful people doing that contributes to their success? Am I willing to do what it takes to model their behavior and achieve my goals without reinventing the wheel. “Thanks Blair for some common sense.
thanks and take care
BryanBlissPosted on 10/27/2008 at 08:28 AM
Tom Welsh says...
Quick note to the fellow who wrote the first response:
It’s GRATEful Dead. Not GREATful. Grateful.
Posted on 10/27/2008 at 01:15 PM
Matthew Detrick says...
Hi Blair,
Thank you for posting today. You’re absolutely spot on in what you said. It’s these times when things seem like we’re
juggling chain saws our smile turns the darkness to light. Look at all a diamond goes through to sparkle through the dust.Yes, i needed this today. I was brought up to be wary of failing to stay safe so it’s posts like yours I forge in my mind to make things happen and know that I *can*.
Be well my friend.
Sincerely,
Matthew Detrick
Posted on 10/27/2008 at 06:05 PM
Feedback Secrets says...
I really like the above comment about doubling your failure rate. I will have to activly think about ways I can increase my failure rate.
Posted on 10/27/2008 at 07:54 PM
John Thomas says...
In response to Tom, I apologize for my lack of fandom for the Dead, and, therefore, awareness of the spelling seeming to be a barrier to communicating my point.
In the interest of saved space, please transpose the appropriate spelling when viewing.
Thanks.
Posted on 10/27/2008 at 07:54 PM
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